Reflections.

birthday and time...
not worth reading. This was just me getting some thoughts out.

I feel like it’s been my birthday for a month. Technically speaking, somehow it has been. This year my Hebrew and secular birthdays were just about a month apart. Then I spent a week of February in Italy for the secular one and celebrating my Hebrew one last night finally.
It's nice when you can spread them both out. Nothing I'll ever complain about. Okay, maybe when I'm over excessively dealing with my 30th. , Then I'm sure I'll be sick of it.
……..crying in a corner somewhere… that’s a scary thought. :)

But anyhow…. I was thinking a lot. That's what birthdays are for, right? Because your not entirely a whole year older. Its juts another day… just another day. Why do we obsess once a year about our age? Honestly, as a Jewish girl, now 25 and still single… I think about once a month I trip out about my age. That empty feeling where you know your not getting married anytime soon. The people you know are fun (and currently a healthy influence) but no one I see myself with in the future. So I just don’t date. We all know that’s the answer. But what are my options? No ones setting me up on a shidduch. Once you’ve been black-listed they sort of forget you even exist. Let alone wonder if you’re single. I think most of the people in my community have no idea what happened to me. Probably leaving them to believe I got knocked up years ago and probably living underground. Not that they would come looking… -yes this is me still deep down seeking their approval.*

The truth is, now refocusing on the topic. I know I’m not getting married anytime soon. I may be capable of being spontaneous but to what degree. I’m a flake who’s afraid of the idea of commitment. I was just talking to my room mate about the fact that I moved in to my apartment because I wouldn’t have to sign a lease, it’s all month to month. This way if I ever wanted out I could leave. –this was 4 yrs ago. Where do I live…? The same freakin place. Cause I’m so comfortable, now I’m afraid of change…. And you thought you had issues?

So what have I accomplished this year?

I realize some where in the last few years, with my dire need to be accepted- I had sold out. I wasn’t stable at all last year. I was jumping from job to job monthly. Dating funny boys who had no future prospects… it was a funny year. But the whole time I managed to maintain financial stability. Impressive.

Then the Purim came along and I realized I’m going no where fast. I work to pay rent… date to have company when watching ‘desperate housewife’s”… and I stopped.

Cold turkey. Right. now if only I could quit smoking.
Sorry, focusing. So I stopped. I chilled by myself for a while. I had a few crazy room mates to fill my time, whet to the gym. Defiantly wasn’t bored with my time.

Now on to the summer. I went to the “Israeli day parade’ bumped in to some old friends… and with my schedule cleared, because I had again quit my job… I had all the time in the world to hang out.

and thus begin a whole new trip. Literally.

Considering I don’t think any of the 4 people who read this blog would have made it this far. (okay one of you did.) I’m gonna space it all out. This way I have something to write later.

To be continued….. I may sound a little funny. But I am happy. Just lonely.
My family is miles away. I haven’t seen my mother since last Pesach. Honestly the family that I have in NY isn’t even the most minuscule bit comforting. They don’t ask how I’m doing. The thought doesn’t even cross they’re mind.

Thank g-d for my friends. It’s good to know some truly good people. But that’s for the next post.