Okay this is something I typed up a while ago. I was planing on doing some editin and just forgot about it. I havnt been working so I havnt had a computer. that helps when it comes to getting lost. The funny part is... since I wrote it. I havnt done "my drung of choice". So heres my lost post. I never got to re-edit it. so its pretty raw. (I should read it before posting it. but I wont.)
Enjoy.
Part time drug addict.
I want to start with a blatant statement.
I'm a liar!
So this is honesty at its best.
Well the best I can provide, from my own personally experience.
Every now and again I think I'm a drug addict.
A few years ago I'm pretty sure I was a drug addict. But I got older and too busy… other expenses were more important. And there's always the ever annoying self trip I put on myself, saying "do it... Stop" just to prove I can. So I started leaving my house. Became more functional, stopped …somewhat. Told people I was finally clean.. (not in a sence that any of them cared. They told me I was selling out…) But truth be known, I do it on occasion. Always did. Never really stopped. Just stopped how much I was doing it, how often and who I was doing it with. Still the whole time I was saying I was clean I was lying about it. I don't even know why. I never went to rehab or anything… so I don't know why I lie about it all the time. Even now. It's been over almost 3 years now. Maybe more. I can't give an exact date because I have no concept of time. No one I talked to about it was ever judging me. I was judging them. I still do. The people who I first did it with are clean. Well one is. I have no idea where the other is.
I'm a little confused because I don't really see what's wrong with it. If I 'm living a functioning a normal life, and I'm not harming anyone else. I'm not selling my body, pawning my belongings; I've never stolen for it, I've never spent someone else's money on it. In fact I'm paying all my bills, saving money. Even paying back old debts to credit collectors.. (Poor, Old Navy and Gap.) and I'm 98% sure to the best of my knowledge I have never hurt anyone over it. So why bother stopping? I would so much rather quit smoking then stop with this substance. That nonsense is going to destroy me so much faster.
This is… This is the lie that I live.
There's no excuse for it. There's no way to justify it. I just can't decide if I can be regard as as an addict.
It's a part of my life. But a functional life at that. Compared to how much I used to do… If I had to compare it to smoking, right? So say I smoked a carton a week now that would be 200 cigarettes. (never did that, promise!) But say I did, than it would be like I smoke one cigarette a day now. If that…
Okay, I let out my dirty laundry. It's floating away in the wind, or zapping its way thru the blogosphere. However you want to say it. But really my question for myself; how scary is it that I like myself and the people and me better when I'm high. I'm less of a bitch. Every now and again some one will tell me "I'm so happy you stopped, your less edgy these days." The funny part. They know little about me. The edgy days were the sober days. Obviously these aren't people I'm close to.
So why am I trying to justify it to myself?
